Wife Wanted: The Immature Need Not Apply

A few years ago I was at a bridal shower, and the married women were asked to give words of wisdom to the bride-to-be. When it was my turn I opened my mouth, and said what I always say to those who are embarking on the matrimonial journey. "Marriage is for grown folks. So be grown. About 18months to 2 years from now you are going to look at your husband, and you are going to want to say something... you might even want to knock some since in his head. When you feel like that pray and seek the counsel of a trusted friend. One that has the love and respect for your relationship to help you stay balanced." As usual the bride kind of laughed me off, and declared how mighty of a man she is marrying. So understanding; so patient... so... perfect. I mentally shook my head feeling a bit sorry for my young friend. It isn't that I was wishing hardship and discontent in her marriage. It was just that, unless she was marrying JESUS, at some point there would be conflict. The notion that one will seamlessly join with a whole other person, and there not be conflict is asking to be disappointed. Weddings, as beautiful as they are, are not marriage. Especially in this society where little girls can't wait for their day to be a princess. As I told a friend of mine who was planning a wedding with his fiancee, and becoming frustrated with her choices, "You just started planning this wedding. She has been planning her wedding since she was 9-years-old. Work with her."

About a year after the shower I received a call from the same young lady, and spent a bit of time on the phone with her as she proceeded to tell me about an issue that she wanted and NEEDED to address with her husband. The issue wasn't huge, but consistent. It was eroding her patience, and causing her disposition to become attitudinal . I asked her what was holding her back from being honest with her husband. She revealed the same mindset that I, myself, had during the early parts of my marriage. "I don't want there to be any tension between us. I grew up in a household that was riddled with arguing and fighting. I want our marriage to be drama free. I want to be a submissive wife and walk in order." At this point my friend was near tears. I could hear them tightening her vocal cords and choking off her words. "Do you know why fairy tales like Cinderella, always end at the wedding?" I asked. "Because it wouldn't do to end the fairy tale with Cinderella standing with one hand on her hip, and a pair of the prince's dirty socks in the other." My analogy had the desired affect, and she burst out laughing. After that we talked some more, and found out the root of why she was feeling the way she was feeling. We determined that her silence was not preserving peace in her marriage. In fact is was having the inverse affect in that she was becoming a ticking land mine that her husband was, unknowingly, about to step on. We prayed for God to help her heart; to encourage her husband, and to provide an opportunity for the conversation.

Two weeks later she called me and told me that she told her husband she needed to talk to him about something, and asked for a sit-down which was to occur that night after work. She was extremely nervous.I repeated to her the wisdom I spoke the day of her bridal shower. "This marriage thing is for grown folks. Put your big-girl panties on, and embrace the conflict." At that she was confused. "Wait, so I should embrace having hard conversations with my husband? Having this sickening feeling in my stomach as the conversation draws near?" At that I explained to her the theory of conflict that my husband and I stay married by.

1. Healthy Conflict is natural - There are two different people with two different backgrounds coming into an agreement more intimate than anything else in the world. Two ideals; two visions coming together to make ONE. There is bound to be a difference of opinion from time to time. One person might think that it's ok to order out food 2-3 times a week because that's how they grew up. The other person might believe that there should be a home cooked meal every night and that eating out is an occasional treat. Somehow that couple will have to create a new standard that doesn't denounce one or the other, but somehow provides a standard they both can embrace. If there are children in the household it is especially important to model healthy conflict in front of them (pending the topic) in order for them to have a high standard for communicating within their various relationships.

2. Healthy Conflict has rules - The term "fighting fair" can apply here. When in the middle of a difficult conversation (or a series of conversations) the couple must always follow the rules.

- Be assertive! Speak your mind girl. Leave it all on the table. It is unfair to withhold information from your husband, and then expect him to have an appropriate response. Withholding information directly affects the outcome. All information is needed to make an appropriate plan.

-Speak with love! No name calling or put downs. This is the weakest form of communication, and produces nothing but hurt; hardness of heart, and resentment. If a conversation ever reaches this place it must immediately be shut down; apologies expressed, and space for healing provided. The bottom line is once you say things you can never take them back. So choose wisely what words will hover over the atmosphere of your home.

- No accusations! Use "I" statements not "You" statements. Instead of saying "You don’t listen to me!" say "I feel unheard when my input isn't considered while making big decisions for the family." It keeps your man from becoming defensive, and allows him to hear your heart. Additionally, using absolute statements like "You always..." or "You never..." is the quickest way to shut down his heart and ears.

- No manipulating! Things like fake tears; threatening to leave, and bringing up their past are used to manipulate the situation. They are rarely deployed out of genuine desire for resolution, but out of a desire to get your way! If your goal is to "WIN" the conversation then you have already lost!

- Stick to the topic! Ever have a conversation go on and on and many hours later the first issue wasn't even properly addressed? Do not let the conversation go down the rabbit hole of things that need to be addressed at another time. Your prayers have been preparing grace for THIS issue. It will take another session of praying to properly cover other conversations in the future.

- Allow for vulnerability! Be raw; open, and vulnerable with your man! ALLOW HIM TO BE THE SAME. We often want our husband's to hear our hearts, but we must allow, and

sometimes teach them how to have their hearts open to us. There have been hard conversations that my husband and I have had where my heart was full of my desire. Then, when he began to openly and rawly (IDK if that's a word but it fits) share what was in his heart a strange thing happened. What I was feeling and what he was feeling began to, somehow, mix together over and over until we ended up saying and believing the same thing.

- Assumptions are unfair! Never assume you know what he’s going to say, and how he’s going to react! It is unfair to him! What you are saying is that he has a very limited ability to grow as a man and husband. Your biased expectations can affect the way you communicate with him in the moment. It can even cause you to negativity impact the outcome by not doing the “work”. This happens when he doesn’t initially agree with you and the ‘I knew it’ rant starts playing in your head. You all know what I’m talking about. The ‘I knew this wasn’t going to change anything’ dialogue will kill any sparks of understanding between you two!

- Know Your Limits! Know when you have reached your maximum compasity for the conversation, and it needs to be readdressed another day. For me whenever I feel like I'm frustrated to the point of breaking a rule then I have to "table it". And, this is key ladies, after you have told your man that you need a break from it NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS to keep the conversation going RESIST the urge to reengage. As my mama would say, "Know when to shut up!" LOL

3 Healthy Conflict breeds growth - Complacency is the enemy of change. Conflict kicks up

the dust a bit, and eradicates complacency. It puts both husband and wife on notice that they must continue to grow within themselves, and together as a couple. Never assume that your husband knows what you want. You should never think that your subtle, passive-aggressive hints are enough to address a situation. True growth occurs when BOTH parties come away from a conflict with a better understanding of each other, and who they are as a team. Additionally the couple wins when there is a plan in place to address the concerns... both his and hers.

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Some of the hugest growth spurts within my marriage have been right after conflict. I'm talking about conflict that lasted several sessions; requiring mutual tears and prayers. The rawness of the session allowed for greater insight and understanding that never would have happened if someone didn't speak up. It fosters an intimacy that cannot be duplicated outside of that united struggle to resolve the issue. So I encourage you today, Lady-girl, be fearless. Know that you hold the heart of the king in your hands. That his embraced burden is to die for you daily. Pray... seek God's face... then go to your husband with your heart in your hands and love on your lips. Timidity is for the peasants.... you are his Queen.

#marriedlife