Five requirements for A Forever Kind of Friend

Jan 29, 2018
5 min read

I sit at the table opposite of two highly emotional 7th grade girls. Their eyes were watery, faces flushed, and their lips were in full tremble mode. Now being a teacher for 10 years has equipped me for this moment. I have mastered the art of girl conflict resolution. I take a deep breath gripping my focus back to the moment as my mind tried to wonder off to the number of copies I needed to be making, or the lesson plans I should be writing while on my lunch break. I am trying really hard to remain patient as both girls, who used to be friends, refuse to tell me why they were arguing in the hallway. Finally one girl turns to the other and tearfully says, "Why did you tell Chelsea that my shirt was ugly?" As they begin the conversation that would eventually lead to more tears, hugs, and a rekindled friendship I was sitting there thinking," I gave up my lunch period for THIS!!!" I thank God that I have three boys. They argue; they fight; then they go outside to shoot their pellet guns together. Clean, clear, and quick conflict resolution cycle. Girls.... I don't know what's wrong with us! LOL.

As previously recorded in a previous post (The Chronicles of a Late Bloomer) I was kind of a shadow in high school. This meant that I was everywhere, but for the most part unnoticeable. I always desired a forever friend. You know that kind of friend as proclaimed in Anne of Green Gables... a bosom friend. We would meet and instantly be thick as thieves. This is not the cause of my friend Nicole and I. I remember getting dropped off at the dorm, walking into my room of the first time, seeing her picture and thinking, "Oh no! She's probably REALLY spoiled!" About an hour later she came in from practice and the awkward introductions began. I think in the beginning we hung out together because we were both a long ways from home, and needed a grounding force in our lives. At 18 years old neither one of us really understood the significance of us becoming roommates.

Over the past 19 years pretty much everything that I have learned about healthy friendships has been tried and tested with her. We have lived together, "snuck' to clubs together (sorry Nikk!lol) and nursed each other through sickness. We have comforted each other through boys, grades, injuries, and family drama. We have gone through a season or two of not speaking until we missed each other so much the slate was wiped clean and we learned to start again. We have argued, laughed, and cried together. Our boys call the other "God-mommy"... we are the FOREVER kind of friends.

Now I have always questioned the term "BEST FRIEND". Instead I look forward to having a FOREVER FRIEND. This deals less with the immature notion of "there can be only one". I'm talking the kind of friendship that needs very little maintenance. The kind of friendship that never has awkwardness after a season of being out of each other presence... heck you just pick up where you left off! The kind of friendship that sharpens you and pushes you even to a state of discomfort. Someone who will stand flatfooted in your face when you are wrong, and stand back to back with you when you are in need of back up. I mean the kind of friend that knows the craziest stuff about you and knows which stories are for public knowledge and which ones need to stay in your room at Blount Towers! You are certainly blessed if you have 3-4 people in your life that have moved beyond the seasonal stage to be called a "Forever Friend". When you find one...count your blessings. If I could put all the requirements of a "forever friend" in a list to would look like this.

Requirement 1) Be whole! I'm talking about the kind of wholeness that doesn't need to talk to them on the phone every day or even every week. I'm talking about the kind of wholeness that genuinely celebrates their friendships with others. Brokenness and low self-esteem is a weight to any relationship let alone a friendship. It can cause you to put unrealistic expectations on each other, and be offended at the slightest offense. Low self-esteem leads to a level of neediness that wears out the other person, and drives people away. Brokenness sucks the air out of the room and leaves your companions gasping for air. You can be so desperate for a friend that you value the idea and image of a "forever friend" more than the person themselves. This is an absolute killer of healthy friendships. People who are whole will not long tolerate the jealously and territorialism that comes along with the broken person.

Requirement 2) Accept each other's differences! If two people are the exact same one of you is unnecessary. I'm loud, she's a bit softer spoken. I believe that scribbles on a post-it is enough of an outline for a major paper for class. She goes though THE...ENTIRE... WRITING PROCESS!I like science fiction movies, and thrillers. She has watched the reruns of the Cosby show AT LEAST 25 times....and still laughs at all the same parts!!! She uses big words when talking... I don't! Not to appreciate what each person brings to the friendship is to not accept the person. If, to be your friend, people have to think exactly like you, be good at all the same things, and like all the same things then you will find yourself missing out on some extremely enriching connections.

Requirement 3) FORGIVE! The true test of a connection is not when everything is going well, but when you have been met with adversity... especially when that adversity was created by the misjudgment or mis step of your friend. This hurdle is where most friendships die. It is unrealistic to expect that you will never be disappointed or hurt by the friends in your life. When you are gifted with a "Forever Friend" it is usually discovered on the other side of the adversity. After you have yelled, and argued, and vowed to be done with each other the connections that bind you will drive you to apologizing, and demand for you to forgive. After the trial you discover a connection that doesn't need constant maintenance. There is a settling in that brings security, and comfort.

Requirement 4) Be trust worthy! When we were in college my dear friend was nicknamed "Leak-ems" by our circle of friends after she leaked who a mutual friend's crush was in the MIDDLE of the cafeteria DURING dinner time rush. It took a while but she was able to seal it up (prayer works). To be a "FOREVER FRIEND" there are boundaries that absolutely should not be crossed. Crossing them puts the whole connection in jeopardy. It could take years to recover if recovery is even possible.

Requirement 5) HONESTY! One day I came home absolutely upset. My husband immediately asked me what was wrong. After I told him about the conversation I had with Nikki that challenged me he again asked me what was wrong. "Well how dare she say that too me! I'm upset and offended." I declared. "But I thought you said that ya'll were friends." He says looking at me directly. "We are." I stated exhasperated. "Well if you call her your friend then you give her the right to be honest with you...even when you don't like what she has to say." he replied and went back to his computer screen. I sat there and wanted to be angry with him for "taking her side" when suddenly a light bulb went off in my mind. How many of our friends do we deny the right of honesty. We tell call them out BFF, homegirl, bestie, etcetera, but when it comes to the intimacy of honesty they are afraid to open their mouth because of the reaction they might receive.