The Friend-Ship: May I See Your Boarding Pass Please!
- May 23, 2018
- 6 min read
“I don’t know what has gotten into George! Ever since he has been hanging out with Ryan he has changed. I don’t know what to do!” – Distraught and Frustrated Parent
Over the last 11 years of teaching I have found myself across the table from parents who are there to meet about the negative behavior their child is displaying in school. Nine times out of ten when confronted with the actions of their son or daughter they express frustration with the friends that their child has chosen, and how it has affected their decision-making. As a parent of middle school students I find myself conflicted. On one hand I empathized with the situation they find themselves in. On the other hand I want to shake them and say, “WAKE UP! GRAB YOUR AUTHORITY BY THE STRINGS, AND PICK THE FIGHT!”
Parenting can be filled with many moments of uncertainty. Recently I launched my parenting workshop “Help My Kid is Growing Up”, and since then I have been getting questions from parents seeking advise about various situations. Now even though I have over eleven years experience teaching health to Pre-K to 8th grade students, and even with my masters degree in Public Health parenting has such dynamic dilemmas that its impossible to determine one rigid course of action. I recently had a friend share a situation about her child who was having a difficult time making friends in middle school. It seems like no one in class likes them. Worse yet there have been instances of bullying and harassment.
I think every parent desires for their child to have a good group of friends to hang out with. Friends who share the same moral code, and have similar goals and interests. Looking at your little bundle of joy you imagine hosting sleepovers, game nights, and birthday parties where your child is the center of attention. It kind of reminds me of the 1990 movie “Problem Child.” In it the couple was wishing to adopt a child so that they could get invitations to all the neighborhood birthday parties. Anyone who has seen this movie knows how that turned out for them. The point I am making is that either consciously or subconsciously we have a preconceived notion regarding the social lives of our children.
Those expectations are usually shaped by our own experiences. Were we the nerd sitting alone at lunchtime, or were we the homecoming queen? Most of us were somewhere in the middle. When our kids are little and we take them to the playground we watch carefully to see how other children react to them. As they get older and begin to join activities we watch to see if they make friends on their teams, and in their clubs. We look at them and wonder how they will socially matriculate through life. Will they be a jock? Will they be popular? Will they be bullied? Will they fit in? Let’s face it. As much as we want for our children to be peculiar and set apart we cringe at what it might cost them.
I told my friend something that I have frequently told myself, and would tell any parent whose child seems to be having social challenges. “We all have a story. God is the author and finisher of it. Our children are living out their story just as we are. One of the hardest things to do as a parent is watch the hard parts of their story unfold.”
Earlier this week I was revisiting this concept as I was getting ready to go to the gym. It was as if a lightening bolt hit me. I asked myself, “What if what we perceive to be social challenges is really God doing two things: 1) Allowing us parents to maintain the degree of influence that our children need. 2) Giving us (the parents) the opportunity to chose our kids’ closest friends.” Let me explain.
As children go to school and develop friendships our ability to vet those friends is limited to the stories our children share. We might be able to pick up on some things during the few minutes we see them while picking up our child from school or the bus stop. The over-achievers may even get the numbers of the parents, and talk to them from time to time. But how much do we really know about the friends our children have at school. Furthermore, how much do we know about the households those kids are coming from? Often parents don’t realize the negative influences that friends have on their kids until grades and conduct have taken a hit. Que the frustrated parent.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am NOT saying that just because a kid is having some social challenges that it is automatically this situation. There might be legitimate reasons for a child to not have friends… after all “Let he who desires friends first show himself friendly”(Proverbs 18:24). We might have to honestly assess our children for areas that need to be addressed and cultivated. Nor am I saying that if your child IS popular and has a lot of friends, then God is not concerned about them and you should take the hands-off method. What I am talking about is when children have shown themselves friendly and for some odd reason they just don’t seem to gel with others around them. Then maybe it’s not your child’s lack of social grace, but God’s hand hedging them in for further processing.
To those parents I say this:
Instead of overly consuming yourself with the lack of friends your child has MAXIMIZE your extended period of influence. Fortify the culture within your home to provide support and acceptance for you child. They may need some additional training… and that’s ok! I have often said that apart of my job as a mom is to make sure that if my children can’t find anyone to “get” them they will know that their mom “gets” them. I get their thought processes. I get their jokes. I get THEM.
Pray with them. Go to God together about their concerns. Have them talk out loud to God about the kind of friends they would like. This will help them own the standard for the type of friends they are willing to except into their inner circle.
Get them some associates. Find people around you who have children in the same age group and partner with them for hangout sessions.
Take them to your churches youth group activities.
Have a coworker with a child with similar interests? Suggest a hangout session.
Live close to family? Make sure they are hanging out with their cousins!
Check for family activities in your community where you can find kids that are interested in the same things as your child and form NEW connections!
Friendships are an important part of every child’s life. They have the ability to influence your child in ways you can only vaguely remember. If your child is like millions of kids across the country having challenges connecting at school pray and ask God why your child is experiencing this, and how best to support them. He might be shielding them from things you don’t even know, or there may be something in them that needs to be addressed. Whatever you do don’t panic… it can cause you to unintentionally pressure them to conform. Celebrate their uniqueness and put them in the space with likeminded peers. Proudly stand at the gate to your kid’s life, and ask to see those boarding passes!
Prayer: God I thank you for being sovereign. Thank you for the children that you have given me. Today I lift my children up to you. You are the author and finisher of their story. You know the beginning... the end... and every moment in between. I ask you to help me be the parent my child needs. Please, God, help them to make friends that will continue to support their relationship with you. I ask that you please keep all negative influences away from their inner circle. Help me to discern the people who want to be in their lives, and to use wisdom when allowing them to spend time with others. If my child is having a difficult time making friends show me why, and how to support them in this season. Show me if there is anything in them that needs correcting and cultivation to make them friend material. Also direct me to events and groups that can provide companionship and social interactions that will build them up. I trust you with my child(ren). I believe that you are able to keep them in difficult times. Help me to follow your leading and not my emotions. In Jesus' name I pray.. Amen!
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