Check Engine Light Please!
- Apr 20, 2018
- 3 min read
Has anyone ever been to the mechanic for an oil change, and had them give you a list of about eight things that needed to be fixed on your car at that very moment. As they are rattling off the issues that can cause your car to explode at any minute you feel you head start to ache; your fingers get stiff; and your breathing become rapid and shallow. You ask yourself “How am I going to get all this fixed?!”
One of the amazing things about God is His timing! He knows just how much “fixing” we can take in any given season. He deals with one thing first. He digs and digs. He cuts and cuts until we are delivered. I love the Tasha Cobbs song “Gracefully Broken”. That is just how God does. He patiently, and gracefully breaks off of us the things we think can never dealt with. We say to ourselves, “Whew that was hard, but I made it!” We have a season where we are like, “God and I are on pretty good terms.” Then one day He says, “Ok, let’s talk about this…” For a split second you think, “ Hold up God I thought I was ok.” To which He replies. “You were.” Then He proceeds to address another area in need of circumcision and deliverance.
I have experienced this countless times. One Sunday a couple of years ago I was sitting in church service. My pastor was talking about “money management” vs. “kingdom wealth”. At first I thought I was ok. I tithe and offer so the open window should be open for me... right? Feeling as though I was not in need of this particular sermon I let my mind drift off to what I was going to cook for dinner afterwards. My focus was snapped back just in time to hear a phrase that caused me to do an unwelcome self-check. “Sometimes what we call frugalness is really the love of money.” He said. Something pierced my heart. “Ouch what was that?”
Later my husband and I talked about the message, and we ended up having a pretty candid discussion about me, and my attitude towards money. Since I decided to get back into the workforce after having two kids it was my desire to hand over my check to him to distribute as he saw fit... a request that he vehemently denied. “Why not? Do you know how many men would love for their wives to turn over their check, no questions asked?” I asked. “Because if I die tomorrow you need to know how to do this.” He stubbornly replied.
I remember being a child, and sitting at the table doing my homework while watching my dad do the budget. He would have bills on the table with his checkbook out. He looked like a mastermind. He always figured out how to get the bills paid. I never remember a time when we didn’t have lights, or there wasn’t food in the refrigerator. I always had what I needed for school and activities. Then I remember one day looking at his face… really watching his body language as he balanced the checkbook, and strategized the paying of the bills. That day I realized what a lot of children these days need to realize. Everything that I had… everything that I enjoyed… came with a price. And I’m not just talking about money.
That image came back to me frequently over the next few years. I realized that I had (through not intent of my dad) been conditioned to equate bills and budgets with stress and anxiety. During that season talking about money and budgets with my husband gave me headaches; produced tears, and made me nauseous. Right at the onset of each budget meeting I could feel the physical and mental changes. “ But I thought I was ok.” I would think. “Not yet still some tinkering to do.” God would whisper. Every budget meeting was a confrontation with this issue. God would cut away every time. He and my husband would continually challenge me, and never let me off the hook. My husband would look at me "So why haven't you opened your bills?" Each time I would have to confront the irrational wish I had to magically make my bills disappear.
By the end of each meeting I'd feel like I ran a cross-country race. Each time I felt a little growth, and a little stronger. The headaches eventually subsided; the nausea disappeared. And today I am able to create the monthly budget on my own and send to hubby for approval.
Check Engine Light… OFF!
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