I'm Ugly! Chronicles of a Late Bloomer!

Apr 26, 2017
5 min read

It was a sunny spring afternoon as 16-year-old Kelli rushed through the front door; past her mother; to the bedroom where she threw herself on the bed, and buried her head in a her homemade cabbage patch kid.. Finally she could release the flow of tears that had threatened to spill over all day. Sob upon sob escaped her in great body - shaking waves. After the third knock Greta let herself into Kelli’s room to find her daughter sprawled across the bed with jerking shoulders. “God, what does she want? Can’t I just have one minute to myself in this house without someone barging in on my privacy?” Kelli thought as she turned her swollen face aside to peer over at the concerned face of her mother. ‘Dang, I hate it when she looks at me like that. Like whatever I am upset about is me clearly overreacting." Sitting up on her bed Kelli wiped her face and took a deep breath. “What’s wrong?” asked Greta as she went to set beside the eldest of her four children. “You’re gonna think I’m dumb,” Kelli replied setting up with a stuttered sigh. Hearing the patient intake of breath coming from her mother Kelli knew that she was not going to be able to get out of this conversation without some plausible reason for her tears. “Maybe I should just make up something to get her off my back. Something like 'Life sucks!' or 'Boys are stupid!'" Taking another deep breath Kelli opened her mouth fully intending to give a generic answer that would appease her mother. “I’m… I’m…” Kelli swallowed an egg – sized lump in her throat. “I’m UUUUGGGGGLLLLLLLYYYYYYY!” sobbed Kelli and another round of chest tightening tears flowed free.

The ‘oh is that it’ look of relief on Greta’s face made the sobs come even harder. How could she not understand how devastating this was! How could her mother not understand that she was at the bottom of the social latter at a very large school. She was a urchin on the reef of teen society; a geek; a dweeb; a nerd. There was no way out. How was it that she played two sports and participated in debate / drama club, but still wasn’t known by many of her peers. Apparently visibility did NOT equal popularity. Day in and day out she passed through the hallways and was largely ignored by her peers.

“Oh honey you’re NOT ugly. You’re beautiful!” Greta said as she patted Kelli on the shoulder. “Oh mom that’s what you are supposed to say! Kelli's said between sobs. “If I’m soooo beautiful then why doesn’t anyone want to date me? I see ugly girls walking around with boyfriends all the time. If they have someone interested in them then that means I must be UGLIER if no one is interested in me.” Kelli looked down at her hands as if somewhere amongst the tear - streaked palms were the answers to her dilemma. She thought back to the horrible scene that happened in the cafeteria that very day.

Today her social standing was made very clear when her friend Mindy had broken girl-code and told her long time crush that she “liked” him.

It was like watching a movie in slow motion. Mindy had walked up to Jeremy Cross in the lunch line with his friends. Kelli watched in horror as Mindy, her soon to be ex-friend, got Jeremy’s attention. He turned to her; she said something to him, and he started scanning the cafeteria. Her body temperature spiked as his eyes landed on her. His gaze slid slowly down her baggy shirt, faded stone-washed pants, and worn L.A. gear tennis shoes then back up again. "Do not Spontaniously combust! DO NOT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST!" she chanted over and over again. He said something that made his friends laugh, and Mindy was bright red as she turned to scamper back to their table in the back. It couldn't have been good because Mindy flat-out refused to tell her what Jeremy said. By the end of the day everyone knew that she had been rejected by Jeremy, and it seemed for once that EVERYONE in the school noticed her.

“Well… they are intimidated. You are smart, funny, and they won’t be able to get over on you.” Kelli raised her head from her hands to look at the wall in front of her as her thoughts came back to the present. She listened, with growing skepticism, to her mother’s passionate explanation of her unfortunate social status. The right side of her mouth curled into a cynical grin “Smart…Funny…That’s what people say to describe the ugly girl in order to take the focus off the fact that she is hideous to members of the opposite sex.”

Several years after graduating from high school Kelli returned home on one of her family visits. While at the grocery store she saw the boy whom she had the biggest crush while in 10th grade…Jeremy Cross. He was working as a grocery bagger. Through the FACEBOOK grapevine she had heard that he had lost his basketball scholarship, and was expelled from college for getting caught smoking weed. Afterwards, he moved back in with his momma, and got on the same road to “nowhere” other ex - classmates were traveling. He tried to spark up conversation, and it was obvious to Kelli that he was interested in more than catching up on old times. As he spoke Kelli thought, “Where is the boy I could barely speak to without stuttering? His completion, formerly so smooth, is now riddled with patches of dry skin and enlarged pores. His once gorgeous hazel eyes were now a weird shade of mustardy green. This is the boy that she had allowed to make her feel so low that day so many years ago. “Thank you Lord for not allowing me to have a past that included him.” She watched knowingly as his eyes shifted down her body assessing her looks, and smiled inwardly as his enthusiasm visibly dwindled when he noticed the set of rings on her left hand, and the child that slept in the carrier within the grocery cart.

That day so many years ago I was Kelli! As a teenager I felt so insecure about my worthiness that I became a closet snacker too embarrassed to have people see me eat for fear of their judgement. I became fixated on the number on the label of my clothes as it went up and down. I was never thin enough. My stomach was never flat enough. My arms never tone enough. I allowed other people’s opinions to out weigh any positivity that came my way. Negative self-talk was my constant companion, and a mask my daily accessory. So anxious to reinvent myself in college I spent 5/days a week doing two-a-day’s in the gym and working on the softball field. So staved for social acceptance I pushed the limits of what I knew to be acceptable and toed the line of decency. Ironically I realized that in the persuit of reinventing myself I had become a shallow reflection of who I was supposed to be.

If I could go back in time I would tell the teenaged LaShawn that high school was NOT going to be the “best four years” of her life. I would tell her that not dating in high school would save her from a lot of the social and emotional baggage that many of her peers would take years to recover from. I would tell her that at that very moment, in South Carolina, there was a teenaged boy who was growing up and would be waiting for her. I would tell the 16-year-old LaShawn that in 4 short years she would meet a young man who would treat her like a queen; give her three healthy boys to raise, and empower her in ways she didn’t even know she could be. I would tell her like I tell my middle school students to keep living her life to the fullest; don’t give too much to those who are temporary fixtures, and enjoy the ride.